What does it mean to “find yourself”?

I am in the middle of my mid-life crisis, so at least my 16 year old says. How does she know? Because I have ceased caring about how much my people will tease me about it and have started to purchase little things I love for our house. In my case, this comes in my penchant to rescue decorative gnomes.

It started innocently enough. I was Christmas shopping at a local bookstore when I saw one–it was so cute, it had extendable legs. So, in the Christmas mood and on impulse, I bought it. And then for Christmas, I got a few more, my emo gnomes. And then, well, for February, I needed some for Valentine’s Day. And then a gnome for St. Patrick’s day. And now, I have a very cute collection of gnomes in my living room. (I am hoping to continue my collection through the year to have at least one gnome representing each month. My kids have some ideas for certain months. I’ll keep you posted.)

However, my gnomes are a silly way that I’ve been figuring out who I am and what I want in my life. It actually took a great deal of courage for me to purchase the first gnome. I wasn’t sure we could afford such a silly expenditure. I thought my kids and husband would laugh at me and think I was going crazy. I don’t want to be “that” mom.

But also, I’ve been going through some major life stuff. I mean really big. And I’ve been forced really to think about who I am, what I want for my own life, and what’s important to me. While in concept that sounds simple, for me that means unpeeling years and layers of internalized messages that weren’t helping anyone, especially me.

While I can’t give all the specifics, you can know that it’s been hard. It’s hard to admit that what you want is good and worthy. It’s hard to admit that wanting for your self is not inherently selfish, or against my core value system. It’s hard to admit that you want better for your life and to make the changes towards it. There have been lots of vulnerable conversations (which have yielded good fruit) but there will be many more to come.

So, on the topic of finding myself, I guess I’ll finish with this: I, myself, am worth the work it takes to figure out who I am and what I want in this life.

And if that means I’m going to be the crazy lady with the house full of adorable gnomes, so be it.